It felt futile.

Sure, he was recovered. His body no longer some skeletal version of itself. The scars showed as gaps in the stony blue of his pelt and the shadowy grey that crawled up his legs from his ordeal. His outside was fine. His insides were not. They were twisted and heavy. He'd rather deal with physical pain than this. This made him do nothing more than punish himself perhaps worse than she ever would. Her hesitation made him all the more uncertain. It was likely that it didn't matter if he wanted to fix it. He had always let her lead the way and it seemed rather clear. He had become an absent father, the worst thing he could ever be to his only child, along with the struggle of even trying to get to know him. What he may choose to do would be against all he had ever tried to be but for the happiness of those he loved, it was likely better. These thoughts spun in his mind as he sat in the midst of the field of flowers, an oddly beautiful choice for his pain, unbothered by the wintery chill that came with the setting of the sun.

@Furia

let me light up the sky

"You look deep in thought," the golden woman mused, trailing behind him several yards. She hadn't intended on stalking him out in the open, but she wasn't entirely disappointed to have stumbled across him. The man had always been distant, quiet, and Furia realized she didn't know what he felt. She thought back to the night they had shared together that resulted in Jamil, how she had downright thrown herself at him because she couldn't imagine being without him. Now Furia didn't know what she wanted, or.. she did, but she didn't know how to ask it of him. How to ask him to be.. more aggressive? It didn't make any sense.

"How are you feeling?"

@Actaeon

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You look deep in thought. Her voice broke his inner monologue like glass. The shattering was loud. He startled for a moment, a visible jolt of his frame as his golden gaze found focus and he seemed to come to. The expanse before him was empty. Nothing but the flowers because she had come from behind him. His ears flicked back to catch her voice readily. "I was." He answered before his skull turned towards her. Tae was trying not to be as stiff as he felt. "I am..." He hesitated. What was the proper word he wanted to describe his feelings? "Not okay." He settled on simply. There was no use in covering up, no child in their company to protect from these feelings.

@Furia

let me light up the sky

Furia offered a sheepish grin, content to let her talent in avoidance take control. She had interrupted his thoughts and though she felt guilty for that, his revelation of not being okay caught her off guard. Her chest tightened as she stood glued to the earth, confused and uneasy yet entirely aware it was not a discussion they could keep prolonging. It hadn't been an easy transition back into the family lifestyle, but Jamil was trying. Furia was trying, too, she'd thought. The expression on his face was evidence that whatever she'd done, it hadn't been enough.

"Okay," she said with a stiff nod. "Go ahead." Whatever it was, she.. she could handle it. Right?

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He was not sure what she had anticipated him to say, perhaps she had intended for them to continue to interact as they had been: at arm's length. He couldn't stand to let it continue. They needed to either agree to do something or agree to be much further away. "I understand that my ordeal made me look like everything I promised I wouldn't be." He began, doing his best to keep his emotions in check in a manner that would let them come out in an understandable fashion. "I am insignificant in our son's life, the absent father I never wanted to be. I amount to merely his sire and nothing more." His muzzle pulled into a frown, the edges twitching as he sought to wrestle the desire to cry. It didn't stop his eyes from welling up with tears, but they would only hover there without spilling over. "I cannot tell if you want me any further. I have taken my understandings and worked to offer the space I thought you would prefer, but I... I can't do this if this is all we will be." Blink one.. two.. the warmth of tears to follow to roll down the planes of his cheeks.

@Furia

let me light up the sky

Furia truly didn't understand, deep down, how she had intended on avoiding things for the remainder of her life. She had coasted by on a wing and a prayer for so many years that the lioness was simply counting down the days until it all ended and she was relieved of all the unsettled things on earth. It was stupid, yes, but for a woman who insisted on brushing everything under the rug, the only logical thing to do. Always run. Always hide. It had worked for so long, but now came the moment where she was no longer able to flee.

Furia felt frozen despite the warmth in his gaze, and as he spoke, she wondered if he was trying to say goodbye. She wouldn't have blamed him, but.. well, she couldn't have her cake and eat it, too. Not anymore.

"Tae, I.." her ears wilted into her mane, lost among the tendrils of russet. "I don't want space from you." She shifted her weight, fumbling with her paws in the dust. "I thought you had died. I grieved for you and seeing you alive just.. it shifted everything that I had convinced myself the past year. I needed some time to process, yes, but," she shook her head, sighing.

"I want us to be a family, Tae. It was absolutely soul crushing it was to be separated during the whole.." she gestured to the air, referring back to the land of no return. "I got you back and everything was supposed to be fine, but then I lost you again. It's not your fault and it never has been, but it still.. it still.. it feels like I've buried you twice and I just- I can't lose you again. I love you, please don't.. don't cry, I'm sorry. I haven't meant to push you away. I don't want this to be all there is." Furia lowered her head, the emotion plain on her face.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, almost as if saying it a second time actually made it okay.

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Actaeon hadn't decided whether or not goodbye was his intention. This spill of feelings was not meant for decision-making. He stood at the mouth of a fork in the path and looked down both ways. He watched her as she spoke, the usual gentle warmth of his gaze still alive amid the pained expression and the tears. He loved her no less. "How do I become less of a dead man walking twice over to you?" If it still felt like he was gone, what was he to do? The time to process had come and gone. How does he earn back his wife? Rather how did they earn one another back? How did he rise up from what he sees as the worst version of himself into a semblance of the man he had been to her before? He cried because he cared and because he felt like utter shit. "Because I love you and I'd rather not walk away from us." Despite it all, it seemed like they could want the same thing.

@Furia

let me light up the sky

Furia wished, as always, she held the answers. She wished nothing more than to guide him down the path of redemption, but it wasn't as though she had ever once redeemed herself either. When she fell, it was simply lower and lower until she was scraping along the bottom of the darkest depths. There was no light she could offer him because she had none herself, but she was.. determined, in a way. "I don't know," the Hodari admitted with a frown. She chewed the inside of her cheek uneasily, wishing someone would magically produce a solution.

The golden woman sucked in a breath and stepped towards him, aiming to brush her head beneath his chin and come to rest against his chest. "I want to touch you, feel you," she murmured softly, cheeks flushed. "You've been a ghost for so long and I need.. need to feel you." Feel him there in the dark, in the light, at every time of the day. "I've missed you. We will get through this." Furia rested her chin on his chest, peering up at him. "But first I need you to show me that you're not a ghost. Please."

Did she need to press further? Furia moved to gently lick the tears from his eyes, replacing them with kisses instead. She didn't know how to fix things entirely, but feeling his touch seemed like a pretty solid start.

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He didn’t expect much of a solution for his question. Who would have such an answer as it was? Yet @Furia had a start in mind. He wouldn’t shy away as she came towards him instead. His head would lift to allow her to fit beneath his chin as she sought to. A deep sigh escaped his parted jaws as his wife would lean against him. He found comfort here. The knots in his insides felt like they were coming loose. Expressing himself released much of the tension in his frame, even in such a way he visibly relaxed. "Please do." He would invite her further as she expressed her desires. How he wanted to be a solid, living breathing creature to her. Her kisses replaced the trail of tears on his face. Tae leaned in to rub his cheek against hers while aiming to reach her neck in an effort to bestow his own kisses upon her flesh. "I want to be everything you need and want." He’d murmur against her skin.

let me light up the sky

Furia didn't know if it was truly the best step to simply touch him, but it certainly made him feel more tangible. Of course she had brushed against him while working on healing him up, yet this was different. It was a woman running her hands along the new scars that littered his pelt, mapping out her husband's new body and feeling the beating heart beneath. He had been a phantom in her dreams for so long and now stood in flesh and blood, and Furia worried a touch would cause him to vanish into thin air. He didn't, and she felt herself melt into his embrace.

"As long as you love me and our son, I can ask for nothing else." Furia purred as she kissed his cheek, trailing down to his throat. "I want you, Actaeon. All of you. Now." The golden lioness hoped there would be no mistaking her request as she lowered herself onto the ground, stormy gaze cast over her shoulder expectantly. It had been far too long since they had last been together, and she was eager to pick up the pieces where they had fallen.

potential fade??? dkwndjwndksk)

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