I've swallowed myself but the fever remains I'm numb to the pleasure but still feel the pain If I showed you my soul would you cover your eyes? If I told you the truth would you dare me to lie? (I keep it all inside because I know the man is everything but kind) The lion had ultimately screwed up everything good in his life because of his jealousy. He was still very weak but his mother told him to get some sunshine on his good days. Periwinkle gaze blinked at the bright sunlight as he stepped out of the dark cave. Sunder had left him alone and he took the opportunity to stretch his legs. Shifting slowly down the cliffside trail, he nearly tumbled down the path but caught himself. Taking a deep breath, he decided it was far enough when he got to the bottom where the sands met the rocks. Shifting down to a laying position, the sun felt nice on his form. His ribs and hip bones were already starting to show from lack of muscle usage and low intake on his meals over the last several weeks. Flicking his ears backwards, he watched the seagulls fly overhead. Closing his eyes, he was troubled about what he did. Sunder said that she wanted to be with him and Kvare. After all, he gave the blessing to them both to get married and he couldn't and wouldn't take it back. He loved Sunder but Keligan felt like it was beyond repair. He felt like he couldn't face her or anyone else again. He knew Lagertha was upset with him and she had every right to be. He had felt feelings for the wheat lioness but in his current condition, he doubt he would ever muster up the strength or will to be with another. Maybe he should leave the Cove and live in the Lagoon with Dagge. He was sure that he would be welcomed there. Shaking his head slowly, he opened back up his eyes and placed his head on his front paws as he stretched out. @Lagertha

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

Lying naked while the snow falls all around me
Drifting closer to the edge but She won’t have me
Wake up in sweat, full of regret, try to forget
These memories, lurking beneath, lost in a dream
Unchosen paths, a broken past, forespoken wrath
The pain won’t cease, I’ll find no peace, no sweet release

How long had been now? How long since it all started to go downhill like an unstoppable landslide? She wasn't quite sure. But she was fully aware that others had taken notice of her behavior. Of how she'd disappear and return bloodied and disheveled. But she didn't care. Let them see her fall. No more kindness except towards the cubs, no more regal grace.

In such a short time, the once regal woman, ever so kind and gentle, had become a hostile shadow of her former self. Even the lands of the Cove were stalked with stiff limbs, wound up so tightly that she might snap at any moment. Where once had been smiles, only an ugly twisted snarl shifted her features, elongated fangs nearly always dripping with the blood of unsuspecting creatures, no matter if they were prey or anything else.

She'd noticed @Keligan before he noticed her. Claws dug into the sand as paws kneaded the dirt and for a moment her hackles rose in a silent growl. Anger, frustration, there was so much she felt. Even more than that. Something that had been there before all the anger. The one thing she hadn't pursued, even before things had become so eerily similar to her own past. But even with all the anger...she still couldn't deny how she felt.

When his eyes opened again she was there, sitting leaned against a rock. Though disheveled yet again, her fur was not bloody for once. A good sign that at least for the moment she hadn't gotten into yet another fight. "You're an idiot." Eventually she spoke, ears flattened tightly against her head as she looked at him. But there was still at least a hint of concern in the look she gave him.

code by flea, art by irish

'Cause these days I would be lying if I told you that I didn't wish that I could be your man Or maybe make a good girl bad Keligan knew that he wouldn't be alone for long now that was he was in public face again. The true depth of how close he had been to death was concealed from his children, far too young to know. But the adults knew by now. So when @Lagertha came up to him, periwinkle gaze glanced over to her leaning up against a rock. Ears flattened against his skull at her remark. "So I've heard." She looked just as disheveled as he did. He hadn't known about the fights she had been getting into lately, or her own destructive behavior. "Are you here to stab at me too?" Periwinkle gaze shifted away from the Gentry as he sighed. "I've fucked everything up and I don't know if it can be fixed." Despite it all, he still had feelings for Lagertha and he was still in love with Sunder. But he had the fear that everything was ending for him.

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

Fragile creatures, we are taught to fear the Reaper
Ever running, we are dead before we meet Her
These voices telling me let it go (let it all go)
I try and try but I can’t say no (try and say no)

Few knew of what she'd been doing, none knew the full extent. And that was how she planned on keeping it, at the very least until she found a way to stop the free fall she'd found herself in. Not that she'd been looking for a way, but that too was her secret to bear.

She'd still been angry, always so angry, when she'd approached. But the way he spoke, the way he looked away from her. It did pull at her heart, pulled her through the fog that seemed to cloud her mind at all times. A somewhat growled sigh escaped her as she slowly shifted to flop next to him, stretching out. "I was thinking about it," she admitted, her tail lashing against her side. "We all make mistakes. But you can't find out if things can be fixed if you just run from it." Lagertha leaned over just a little to gently touch her nose to his cheek. "You love her and don't want to lose the bond you have. So don't just give up and run. Don't...go and try to throw your life away. You can find a way through this, to make things better again, if you actually try."

code by flea, art by irish

Little more lust and some addiction I fell in love for a quick minute Trying to cope with self-infliction Drinking 'til I'm incoherent The lioness was annoyed, and with good reason. At least to him. He didn't know the inner turmoil she was having otherwise. Being kept in the cavern kept him isolated on a lot of the events except for a few things here and there from his mother. He looked at @Lagertha as she flopped next to him, noting that she was still agitated. Feeling her nose against his cheek, he rumbled a purr. "How can she still love me when all I did was hurt her? I compared her to Finley. A stupid mistake." Exhaling heavily, he fiddled with the sand with his paws. Listening to her words, periwinkle gaze glanced up at the wheaten lioness. "I'm afraid to love another and break her further." He had given the blessing for Sunder to marry Kvare, so why couldn't he do the same with another lioness? The conflict within his mind was pulling him back and forth. While he was sure that the Queen wouldn't have any issues with Lagertha, he knew that the fragility of Caltáriel would be too much. But after seeing his Dove at the Oasis challenge, it was clear that she would never truly be his. So Keligan let her fly away.

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

For a moment she allowed silence to linger between them. Though she did seem to relax in his presence, now that she could see him without healers being busy around him. It had worried her more than she'd like to admit, though she didn't put any such thought into words. At least not for the moment. Her gaze appeared to remain locked on the horizon, thoughts racing through her mind. But when she looked at @Keligan, her previously soft expression had steeled, grown unnaturally cold, though there was something in her eyes that showed it was not rage directed at him but a lingering pain from a memory. "I understand her pain and fear," the pale lioness eventually said quietly. "The reason why I now live here is similar to...this whole mess. Not entirely the same, but similar." With a quiet sigh she lowered her head onto her stretched out paws. "You made mistakes, yes, but you are a good man and she knows that, her heart knows that. She doesn't want to lose you. She wants harmony. And personally, I would prefer that too. Perhaps it could help to really sit together and talk about things. Have all involved get together with someone you all trust to be a neutral party, as a mediator. To have a safe space where you can talk about what's on your mind, figure out where you all stand, what boundaries you may need to make this work in a way that helps everyone be more comfortable. And moving forward, honesty. I feel like we all need a bit of that these days." Her head still rested on her paws as she finished talking for the moment, ears perking ever so slightly to take in his other words. "This whole situation is...a mess. And I do have my own feelings about it all. But that is my own to deal with. As for you...we can't control our hearts and you have a lot of love to give, much like her. But give it time. You are both hurting and with hurt clouding our minds, we don't always see or think clearly. And I don't know if there might already be someone who...interests you, but if there is, talk to Sunder before taking action. Be honest with her from the beginning and show her that you still make her the priority, that no one can take that away." Though she was resting close to him, she did turn her head away in an attempt to hide her own pain, her voice more quiet yet still audible as she continued. "I know you're not like him, but don't ever become like him....vowing to love her and make her the top priority only to cast her aside for another. What she needs is the reassurance that you truly love her, love her for who she is....a free spirit who has been caged in the life before she had you. She may have fallen in love with a second man, but she still comes home to you. Don't say that you truly love her, show her." Eventually she turned her head to look at him again. "Right now, she is hurting a lot and words can only do so much. Be there for her when she allows. Show her in actions that she is the one who holds the biggest space in your heart, no matter if there will be others or not."

code by flea, art by irish

Ears perked up as he listened to @Lagertha speak. The slightest of nods were given, to acknowledge that he was listening to her. "I love her. I just don't know if this is fixable." Lagertha spoke of wanting peace in the pride and he had to agree. The trio had made a mess of things, it was clear. And his stunt only aggravated it more. He didn't know if Sunder actually came home to him for him or because Keela had asked her to watch over him during the heat of the day. "I screwed everything up. I'm going to give her space for now. Mother returns tonight and I'm going to ask her to help me up to the Freeze where she is staying. It'll take stress off of Sunder if my Mother takes care of me full time in her home." Looking at the wheaten lioness with a small smile, "I'll return one day. When I'm better. I just ask of you a favor. Help Sunder and our children. My sister can only help so much with the children." If Keela and him left at the start of dusk, they should be able to make it back to the North before the sun rose too high. Giving Sunder the space she needed would be a help, for all of them. It would be one less stress for the Queen. And Keela could give news back about his condition. Sighing, he got up slowly. "I should get back inside."

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

Once she'd finished speaking, Lagertha went quiet, just giving him the chance to speak when he chose to. What else could she say? She could hardly order him to do something. Lifting her head again she quietly listened. Though she hadn't said anything about it, she had been worried when she'd seen them carry him home from a distance, heard about his condition. Very worried in fact. She'd only seen shadows and a shadow being carried, but things had slowly started to piece together for her before she truly knew. "I can't see the future, though sometimes I wish I could. But I do want to believe that you and her can get through this. You love each other and from the moment I've seen you to together when I came here, I could see just how much. That's something don't give up on...ever." When @Keligan rose to his feet she shifted to do the same, her head ever so gently brushing against his in a small gesture of affection. Though her tone was saddened as she spoke, even though she knew that perhaps some distance could allow both him and Sunder to heal. "I know I can't persuade you to stay. Perhaps it is the best so you can both heal. But please do return...and don't leave without speaking to Sunder about it." Emerald eyes glistened slightly as she looked up at him, tail lashing behind her. "I will be there for her and the children as I have been before. They are my family, just like you are. And I...I hate to see you leave..." Her voice trailed off, her last words spoken so quietly, just audible enough."

code by flea, art by irish

A small smile formed on his lips, weakly, as she spoke. Keligan missed the way things were between him and Sunder. He had just been so hurt by her cheating on him that it broke him more than he ever realized it would. Drunk intentions or not. Listening to @Lagertha and the words etching into his mind, he sighed softly. "I.." Feeling her head brush up against his own, he felt such confliction. He didn't even know what to say. She suggested that he tell Sunder about him leaving but he shook his head slowly. "No. She'll only try to persuade me to stay and I.. can't do that." He didn't know if he could handle being here, in his condition, unable to soothe his wife and her troubles. Kvare was a better fit man for that. A better fit man for it all. The dragon wanted a kingdom, and a kingdom he shall have. "I don't know if I'll return. It may be best for me to live in the Lagoon once I am better. Dagge is my brother in arms. Or continue to live as a Rogue." Closing his eyes, he knew he could never be King of Caladan again. "I've done more than mess up with Sunder. It's just.. best for the safety of the pride if I don't live here anymore." Keligan had been a fool to attack Alizabeth, especially with such conflict between Caladan and the Summit as it was. His stupid decisions would take down the pride. It would bring war to the doorstep. It would be better if he left the pride as a whole. "I care for you too much to bring you harm. To bring my children harm. To bring the pride harm. If Sunder really.. wants me, she will know where to find me."

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

They couldn't take back the things they'd done. The only way was forward, much like her own way had been. But this? She didn't know if this was truly the best. For just a moment her head lingered against his before she withdrew, ears flattened tightly against her head, paws kneading the ground, claws digging into it. "Of course she'd try to persuade you to stay. She loves you. And she deserves to know you're leaving and why. Do you really think any of us would be better off if you just walk away? If you just leave us?" Normally she wasn't one for tears and she'd fought to hold them back, but they did begin to show more in her eyes and a darkening strip of fur by one eye as a stray tear wettened her fur. "We all mess up, sometimes not terribly and sometimes worse. But we face what might come as a family, because we're stronger together." Her voice hadn't gotten much louder, though was shaky, a forced control to keep herself from yelling. Oh how she wanted scream and yell. But not now, not here. "How can you know if things will get better if you leave? Do you really think anyone would be happy about it? What about the people who love you and want you here and not just nearby? And of course she wants you, you damn idiot..." A sigh slipped past her lips and she lowered her head ever so slightly. "@Keligan...please..." Though it was clear she'd intended to say more, the words hitched in her throat and refused to come out.

code by flea, art by irish