Patchouli had been spending a good portion of her time away from the Mire of late, taking long walks in unspecified directions in order to clear her head. A lot had happened during her stay in the Mire, her life felt considerably different than before. She clung to what she knew, even as it came so frequently into conflict with what her new life should be. If nothing else, one had to praise the fashion of her upbringing in how much rough training had influenced her, had been etched within her every fiber.

When she was in the Mire, she was never able to sit still, always busying herself with something or other, though she lacked many tasks to attend. It seemed she was slowly becoming more and more irrelevant as the numbers swelled. Attempts to learn healing had been put aside, as more capable lions filled the role. She was simply a number at this point, which made it all the more strange that @Alaric had any interest in her. A king deserved a queen, she was not one who would ever rise to such a position, or any position, simple as that. He had several new lionesses he could choose from by now, better ones.

This morning she would find herself unable to sleep, rising from the bed of grass (as some part of her refused to lay in the warm bed) and moving outside. The air was cold, piercing even her thick coat. Plumes of silver vapor would escape her mouth as she exhaled. The sun was still below the horizon, putting her in a surreal landscape of plums and mauves. Nearby she would spot a pair of bat-eared foxes who seemed unbothered by her presence there. It was understandable, she had seen them on several occasions now. Occasionally she would leave some remnants of her food rations behind, finding she liked their quiet companionship.

More and more she found herself favoring the company of other creatures over that of lions.. leastwise the company of some of the more unpleasant Mire dwellers. She almost envied this pair, always together in every activity they did. Was this what love looked like? She had never seen or felt it before, but she imagined they had it for each other.

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winter had never been a favorite season of his. alaric had been born in the heat, his home a stretched savannah of wavering air and scorching sun. he did not care for the cold, though he saw some benefit here within the mire. the thickness of the trees meant they would likely be protected from the worst of the chill, and the cold air would harden some of the muck and mud and hopefully keep things a little neater. spring, he imagined, was bound to be hellish. he had reflected more than once on the conversation with the petite, paint-splattered girl, but he had not tracked her down since then. giving her space, he would say, though in truth he had been kept busy by the demands of leadership. as a ruling king he often felt pulled in many directions, leaving himself little time for more personal affairs. on his morning patrols he swung unexpectedly towards the den she had made, thinking of the warm bed tucked away from the icy chill of the early day. perhaps a break in his duty would do him good, and he was curious to see how she was finding the mire now that it had grown. approaching he spotted her just outside, chuffing quietly to determine how he would be received.

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It seemed unusually early for lions to be out patrolling, not even the birds had begun to stir from their nests, nocturnal creatures only beginning to return to their homes to begin the day's slumber. The absolute stillness made it feel as if time had briefly stopped and the lands made devoid of life. If not for the foxes she would have felt the crushing isolation. Yet @Alaric was awake, out on patrol of an area least in need of it. Unless they intended to swim across a stretch of ocean, none could have invaded his lands from the beach. Come to see her then? More likely he sought warmth within the den she crafted for him, which she didn't believe he had been back to since before she had finished it.

Within was the nest he had laid in, but also a carpet of moss and stone, a slightly upgraded nest of leaves of which she still slept. Offerings of eatable and sweet tasting plants. Walls had been decorated with all manner of seashells, feathers and glittering stones. The smell was pleasant and soothing, primarily mint.

She had forgotten to speak to him upon it's completion, as she was weighed far more heavily with thoughts of his offer. A test? A desire? Perhaps an empty invitation when he lacked as many choices for mates as he must have now. She would realize she had been silently staring at him for a long moment before she would react to his presence, the haze of distant thoughts now cleared away. The foxes in question had left and now it was just herself and Alaric in an empty corner of the world. She would get to her feet before proceeding to lower her front half into a deep bow, forehead nearly touching the ground. "Magesty." She greeted, apology in her tone. "Forgive me for staring.. my mind was far away." She would remain in this position until he released her from it.

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she was quiet for a moment, staring, and he wondered if she did not wish for him to have come. she didn't seem keen, only deferential, and he considered taking his leave almost immediately. at the same time he found it oddly appealing how he seemed to intimidate her, and he took a moment to enjoy the crouched position she had taken. "enough," he rumbled, after a moment, "you do not need to bow to me so." it was unnecessary, for though he demanded respect he did not need to see her nearly kissing the ground to achieve it. "you're done, then?" looking past her in to the den, scenting the air and finding it sweet but not... disgusting. it was different than the mud and dirt he was used to, but it wasn't bad. "what were you thinking of?" realizing she had mentioned that her mind was far away, and wondering if she would open up to him at all. @Patchouli

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It would begin again, within moments of his arrival and acknowledgment of him. His words tended to come in conflict with what she had learned, resulting in his possible frustration and her confusion. With a frown and ears slightly downturned, she would stare at his paws with discomfort. "I am a simple lioness in the presence of one of the highest position. It would be wrong for me to offer you anything less." She insisted, wondering if it was possible that he might scorn her for doing something bred into her very being. She had done nothing to merit her being above such things, she was not close friend or mate to him, though even then her behavior might be similar.

Having not been looking at him to note his glance beyond her to the den, she didn't know what he meant. Done coming to a decision? Warily she would look up at him and feel a surge of relief that his gaze was not on her, but on the den she had crafted him. Done making a den? Yes, she could confidently answer that question. "Yes sir @Alaric, I fear I hadn't a chance to tell you so sooner." He was a busy enough lion without her bothering him with such information.

"I.. was thinking on many things. Most frequently I've asked myself why you asked after me before.. as a mate. Your pride has grown considerably since then and there are many more capable lionesses for you to choose from now." She didn't know if there was any point putting off what was truly a plague on her mind, better to get it out in the open so she might finally understand it. "You gave me the freedom to choose what I want.. but I have never had the freedom to choose anything for myself before. I wish only to do what would most please you, if only you would tell me. I have been unable to find the answer, despite all the restless nights I sat awake wondering." How she felt about it didn't matter, why should it? He was a king and she was just a naive and useless little girl in his presence.

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It seemed he had a habit of upsetting her. While he understood that it was her upbringing, he wished that she held herself in higher esteem. Perhaps she was not a ranked lioness but that did not mean she was unworthy of confidence. He does not argue with her, though, letting it go without comment. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to come and see sooner." Yes, he was busy, but he should have been around to check in on her before now. He was responsible for her, after all, as he was the rest of the pride. Most of the rest he trusted to look after themselves without much concern, but @Patchouli almost seemed.... child-like in a sense. "It looks nice. Smells nice, too." A compliment here or there wouldn't hurt. The conversation shifted, and his brow furrowed out of concern for the girl. Evidently his offer to make a choice had led to further trouble, and he heaved a heavy sigh as he looked her over. "I do not want you to do anything because it would please another, Patchouli. I think... I think that's something you need to learn, here. I understand your home was different, but here you are free to make your own decisions. In every aspect of your life." Truthfully he felt almost wrong having asked her to be his mate -- he knew nothing of the girl, and his hormones had clearly gotten the better of him. Simply put, he did not want to take advantage of her. "If I must be entirely honest, there are better men for you out there. Men that are... kind... and loving." Neither of which Alaric was -- if only she knew how he had treated his first wife at times, irregardless of whether or not he loved her. "It was selfish of me to put that on you."

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Time had changed Alaric, though she might not be aware of just how much. He would go from taking satisfaction in her respectful groveling to almost being irritated with it. Could it be out of caring for her and a desire for her happiness? Why should that matter to him now if it hadn't mattered before?

Her frown would fade as the subject was dropped, though she looked one part confused and one part defeated. The change of subject would help some, as she always seemed to warm to one's praise of her work. She took such positive reactions well, not so much if the compliments were aimed at her instead of her accomplishments though, those just made her feel confused and awkward. "Your satisfaction with it pleases me." She replied, knowing he could scarcely look at it properly where he stood and in the morning twilight. She would take what he offered anyway.

Again he would speak of her being free to choose and told her that she needed to learn to make decisions. Such desire to make one's own decisions had been how her mother had been. Memories of her and how she was received by the males of their home left her cold with dread. She would visibly shiver for a moment before responding in a low voice, clearly plagued by something from her past. "No.. no no no. I don't want that, I don't care about what I want Alaric, I just want to be.. sure I am doing what I am meant to. I just want to know I am safe." Her voice spoke to her desperate determination to keep to what she knew. She would not risk suffering as her mother had for something so insignificant as a choice. As long as she was alive, healthy, and sheltered, she would abandon any feelings of the heart. Eyes remained downcast as she spoke, staring with great intensity at her own feet, which had blurred and become cloudy to her own eyes.

Doubt? @Alaric might have lost interest after all, at least to some extent. She was not sure how she felt about it, taking a moment to gather herself, to banish the memories and the threat of tears in her eyes. There were better lions for her? She wouldn't disagree, but not for the reason he had given her. She imagined she would be best off with some commoner if a mate was what was intended for her. "You have only ever been kind to me sir.. I do not know what significants there is in love. I do not know what it feels like.. I know only what I have seen of it. It makes you do foolish things. It makes you suffer. I don't care if I am loved, I only want to feel safe." Her mother certainly had, as did others she had known who had loved and lost and then knew only misery afterward. Alaric had offered something better, he had offered her the food and safety she needed more than anything that she might have wanted. If not him, who might he suggest for her? Who else might wish to protect her? The only reason she was not living in solitude within the distant forest was that Alaric had brought her here to live in a society.

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Alaric had, indeed, changed. Though there were parts of his former self still very much alive in the wheat King, he had learned and grown a lot since his arrival in Amaryllis. Much as he still itched for a good fight (and would choose claws over words any day) he also recognized the value of... politics. It irked him, still, but he knew that he would not be able to get ahead in this place if he did not... play well. Perhaps, too, it was the emotions that had come to life in an unexpected place, a friendship turned to something far more. While he would still quite happily take Patchouli to bed and make her bear his children, he also recognized that it wasn't exactly a nice thing to do. Maybe he was trying to change, for those that he loved. Be better, do better. "I think..." he hesitated, not wanting to upset her further, but needing to say the words all the same. "I think you need to care about what you want. You will be safe in the Mire no matter what, Patchouli, whether you bore my cubs or not. This is your pride, your home, and it will always be safe for you." Alaric would defend her as he would defend any of the lions that lived here -- with his life. As for love? Alaric knew little of it. His brand of love was hardly the kind that suited a soft thing like Patchouli. "Safety does not need to be a concern," he repeated, earnestly, "so you should try to think about what would make you happy beyond that." It was not that he had changed his mind -- and truthfully, it wouldn't take much to convince him that he was all kinds of right for her -- but Alaric was trying to do right.

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What she wanted, what would make her happy. These words spoke against the selfless fashion in which she had been raised. Those that had selfish desires found themselves at the end of a clawed paw or a set of fangs. She was held to these beliefs about herself by fear, but also by her own self-defeating nature. Call her beautiful or valuable and such praise would soon be internally torn asunder, mocked, and questioned. To say she deserved anything was to lie to her face, or so her sub-conscience would strongly have her believe. Those that were kind were often only so because they wanted something from you.

Alaric could not be expected to fully understand her struggle, or how a gentle encouragement might not be received as a gift, as a show of compassion. It was a nudge of one's baby from the nest, one that had no wings in which to fly, or at the very least, wings too weak and small from complete lack of use. Freedom of choice was a terrifying notion to her.

She would not respond for a long while, finding it easier than usual to avert her gaze from the male. He wished for her to decide things for herself, but to interject and tell him she couldn't do these things was to question him, and to question the mind of a male, let alone a king, was wrong. What would make her happy? She didn't know what could. For her, happiness was not a feeling, it was a lack of negative emotions. What gave her the least anxiety? She could say being alone made her happy, but that was only partially true.

In the end, she would speak, looking and sounding quite defeated. She was eager to disappear from this meeting between the two, might even push for it to end, that she might avoid thinking about the freedom he was offering her. "I.. don't care about things that would make me happy, I don't know what would. I can only tell you things that I don't want for myself. I never desire to have children Sir @Alaric, so.. there is no reason to have me as your mate." Was that enough? If he really was wanting her to make her own choices, and this was not some cruel test of loyalty he was putting her through, then he should have no further interest. What point was there in having a mate like her if she didn't give you the one significant thing that you wanted out of such a union?

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A furrow slips across his brow, the slightest of frowns, as he is reminded that they were not well suited to each other. As much as he wished to ignore the fact that it was not what she wanted and whisk her away to bed, Alaric could not forget it. Not now. "There are many who would take a mate only for the companionship," he started, speaking carefully and with some measure of caution. It was true that there were many couples who did not wish for cubs, but Alaric? Alaric was not a creature of simple and fanciful love. For him mate-ship was with the goal of furthering his bloodline -- this was the ultimate goal. He paused and watched her face, resisting the urge to try to convince her, to pull her to the dark side so to speak. "For me, though, I want my mates to bear my cubs. Where I was born that was all that truly mattered, to carry on the bloodline of those strongest." It was a little explanation at least, as to why he was the way he was. "No matter what, though, you are safe here, Patchouli. The mire will be your home as long as you wish it." Even if she was not his mate or the mother of his future cubs. "But I think you'd be better off finding a mate that does not care so much for cubs. I am certain there are many out there that would be well suited to you."

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