she-wolf, the mongering wolf
who stands outside the self

How terrifying of an ordeal this had all become. How soon she was thrown into the throes of new leadership and new motherhood that she'd so quickly abandoned her friend when he could he benefited from her presence. Would she have staved off the ire of Vermier, would she have been able to forge an alliance with the Bluffs sooner, to have tempted fate in another direction? Avaneira was uncertain she could do much at all; death walked wherever she was. She had witnessed Skarde's everlasting defeat, and had been there for Valhalla's as well, and now Zoticus lingered crownless in the tattered heartlands of this ancient place; Avaneira could only see herself as that final common denominator.

How self-absorbed. You only see yourself in all this.

She paused, lingering on the fringe of the Grove and cursing herself for daring to think such troubling thoughts. @Zoticus had been left without a pride to care for his mate and his cubs, and Avaneira was hauntingly reminded of the guttural pain she felt of losing Valhalla, and wondered if it could compare to what he may feel now. Gentle chuffs tried to encourage his presence, wondering if he'd gotten far from the challenge now that the hours had passed. Night had begun to fall, affording them a more private position among the trees of the Grove which now bent and danced in the warm summer winds.

There was a certain emptiness to Zoticus now.

The wounded brute was laying under the darkening sky, head lifted to peer at the stars that were slowly starting to show. It was hard to look- the swelling of his face was a result from all the wounds he endured to his cheeks and head. Standing was too painful, and while healers had aided him- there was nothing to make this process easier. Prior wounds had been worsened and he could no longer shift his weight without wanting to growl out in pain.

Self pity was something he was drowning himself in. The fact he failed to uphold his pride - even if he wasn’t in his best physical condition- weighed heavily on him. How he let down so many people, how lives were endangered because of his lack of ability. His thoughts wandered to those he let down… how many hated him? Looked at him differently?

The chuffs of @Avaneira caught his attention and Zoticus felt his ear swiveling in her direction- but his laying stance did not change. Nor could he bring himself to face her. “Thank you… for your support.” His voice was weak, far different from the male many had known him to be. “I meant to come to you sooner. After you took the Cove… but then the war happened, and then my cubs came, and then… well..” Silence drew him to let his words fall empty off his lips, head slowly moving down from looking at the stars, to looking at the ground. Avaneira was someone he called a friend- with all the hunts they had shared and the time spent with their mild bickering back and forth, he was fond of their relationship. He was glad he could count on her- but now how did she view him?

@Avaneira

"Speech"

she-wolf, the mongering wolf
who stands outside the self

When she saw his pale rosy form emerge from between the trees, her breath visibly left her chest, the feathery plume of what once might have made a great and seasoned woman now left tempered and war-weary. To see @Zoticus there and not see the pride in his eyes, the confidence in his kingly promenade could stay even the most steeled of hands, and Avaneira found herself trembling at the sadness that emanated from him in waves. When he could not face her, Avaneira quickly disobeyed every part of her that screamed to stay her paw, and closed the distance between them in a few bounds. Should Zoticus allow her to come so close, she would reach out and aim to brush her head into the crook of his neck. “You were dealt an impossible hand,” she breathed, closing her eyes, “I would be a fool to blame you.” She had hopes and dreams of their alliance; to see their cubs racing against the Cove shores or playing hunt among the cliffsides of the rocky Bluffs. Perhaps, even, to forge such sacred bonds she and Morrigan had done with the Sigrun and the Valour.

They seemed like distant dreams now. Unreachable, if only just.

“I only wish I could have done more.” She pulled back, her gaze desperate to seek his own, but knowing he might not want to see her. She'd long heard of the turmoil stirring in the Lagoon, and the way that they had ousted the Sigrun just as quickly as they had surged in, only to be captured in finality by Magnus himself. Nobody could have known it would be the Bluffs that they would set their sights on after, however; and it was only by the skin of Vermier's teeth did he succeed in his conquest.

She came close, closer than he would of expected, and when she reached out to him and brushed gently to the crook of his neck- he couldn’t help but to be pulled to the warmth. To feel the comfort of a friend- of someone he trusted and someone who was here, openly lending their support to him. A trembling breath left his lips and Zoticus closed his eyes, leaning into her touch just a bit closer. Her words were meant to sooth him but he couldn’t help to feel the sting of them, “Impossible… but I should of been able to.” Because wasn’t saying it was impossible just an excuse? “They depended on me. Counted on me.” He added, feeling the weight of the reality of it all crash further along his shoulders. It hurt him worse than Vermier’s bite did.

Allowing his eyes to meet her own, he shook his heads to her words - grimacing at the pain of the movement. “I am in debt to you, Avaneira, you did more than I was able to.” She could still do more than he was able to. His mind drifted to his children then. His four cubs, and how he lacked a home to provide them. “I failed them. My mate, my cubs, the pride- I failed them and you as an ally.” Because even if they hadn’t officially established an alliance, he knew at heart he’d of defended Avaneira if the issue ever arose. He let the self pity wash over him, allowing himself to wallow in it for now- because what else did he have to do?

"Speech"

she-wolf, the mongering wolf
who stands outside the self

She did not want her words to pain him, did not want to feel helpless to offer him comfort in his time of need. She wanted to melt away his pain. That same raw feeling she felt that night with Valhalla crept angrily in the corner of her head, causing her heart to flutter and her cheeks to swell with heat. Quickly did she wish away such intruding thoughts, knowing better than to continue wallowing in her grief through ruining friendships. Instead, she took that same fluttering feeling and used it to continue her words of encouragement, hoping to help @Zoticus see past his disappointment. “You are only one man,” she said, feeling the sting of her own words now; Avaneira was scarcely one who could take her own advice. She, too, felt the unmistakable grief that came with something that fell completely out of her control. She knew how easy it was to blame oneself. She could only imagine the pain of Zoticus' loss; he'd held the Bluffs for well over a year, whereas Avaneira had only had Valhalla for a fraction of a second. He lived on through his cubs. The Bluffs would certainly live on through Zoticus', wouldn't it?

“You owe no debt to me,” she shook her head, “but should you need a place to remain safe and heal, the Cove is always there.” Even if momentarily, even if so he could catch his breath. At the very least, Avaneira did not want to let his precious friendship slip through her fingers; she did not want to lose him to the whims of Amaryllisian politics as she had lost Skarde and Valhalla. “Someday I will lose the Cove, too,” she began again, lifting up a paw to catch the soft fur of his cheek, “And I know you would think no lesser of me if I did.” As cruel and unrelenting as it was, Avaneira knew these things happened, and she would not want to see Zoticus tear himself apart thinking he could have kept the fragile pieces altogether amidst a hurricane.

Zoticus ,
Her words echoed in his mind- and he knew he should listen. That he should find reason, because after all, she spoke the truth. He was only one man. Did his pride really expect him to of beat Vermier, after he had just fought three maim challenges in a war? Maybe not, but some part of Zoticus had expected himself to be able to.

@Avaneira extended her aid- a true friend in all of this chaos. A sigh left from his lips and his gaze grew duller with his next words. "Jewel, she fought for Circe, for my cubs, and won them. I... would like their release from your pride." Having to ask for his family brought his pride down even more, and the look of shame was clear on his face. "It isn't because I don't wish to reside in the cove, or that I don't trust you, I just... I have debts to pay and the Hollows were the firs to give me rank in order to be able to try and fight for them, or anyone else of my pride." And he would. He would return for anyone and everyone that was left behind- once he could walk, once he could move without pain. He couldn't afford to lose anymore.

But, then his eyes grew more... serious. Her comments on how she would lose the cove someday, too, was a brutal fact- but she was better to know it and prepare than be at a loss with an unexpected attack. Maybe Zoticus should of balanced himself better, just like Rue and Arjana were always telling him, just like Circe always tried to get him to do... His head leaned into her paw, the comfort she brought him was oddly immense, and Zoticus knew their bond only grew in this moment.

"I need to ask something of you." He begun with a whisper. "I know i've asked a lot, but this... this is important." She was here in this moment and she was someone Zoticus trusted, respected, and knew would defend the innocent if ever needed. He didn't know where Arjana was- and in her position, she could still be trapped under Vermier, otherwise he'd of asked her. Avaneria had power, though, she was immune to claim and immunue to being whisked away by a challenge. "I intend to kill him, or die trying. If he defeats me again when I go back for him... I want you to protect my family. Circe, Thanos, Zosimos, Kyros and Deiaskaya." Heavens knew Zoticus hoped he wouldn't fall to Vermier again - but he made the fool a promise and he intended to keep it, sooner rather than later.

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she-wolf, the mongering wolf
who stands outside the self

Though Avaneira had not followed Jewel to her challenge for Circe's freedom, she had known the lioness stalked off to be the first to challenge the new Bluffs King. Avaneira had been so wrapped up in her anger toward such a blatant impulsive move that she'd not followed, and instead waited to see if the Dieudonne would give up his captives willingly. Only when he had told her directly did she finally embark on her own mission to free from his clutches those who had desired their freedom. By the time the chaos had all been over, Ava had trudged her way home and desperately tried to forget all that had transpired, tried to sleep away those terrifying, persistent thoughts.

@Zoticus asked for their release, however, and Avaneira could not hide the way her small smile fell away. The Hollows were the first to give me rank in order to be able to try and fight for them. The Wolf Queen's ears pinned back against her head, her lips curving into a soft frown. Oh. She averted her gaze, willing the disappointment that welled in her belly away. You're not his only friend, she chided herself, but couldn't help but feel the stinging hurt still well in her belly. Avaneira would not hold Zoticus' family captive on the premise of persuading him to join her pride instead. “They're more than free to return to you,” she finally breathed, and in those moments that followed after he leaned into her paw, she reveled in the warmth of his brief touch, before withdrawing it back to the ground for a final time.

Part of her wanted to want. The wolf inside of her unfurled, a strange sort of desire demanding penance for all she'd done for him; Arsynia's influence crept along her spine and roared in her ears. She had given her entirely for Magnus, held Nymeria's fellow native brother as he took his dying breaths and carried through her his progeny. She had given and given and given and had never taken in return, and the weight of Zoticus' request of her bore the demand to take in turn, to reap the benefits of what all she'd done for her friends.

She willed the voice away. Her calm and steady hand desperately returned once more, barely holding onto the part of her that crept along the shadows, the side that had only ever known war and conquering through force. She couldn't face him. Her eyes trained on her paws.

“Don't—” she breathed, and did not realize just how ready she was to cry until she felt her tears slipping down her cheeks, “Don't die. Please. I can't...I can't lose someone I love again. Please.” Though she knew deep inside the gravity of Zoticus' anger and just how far it may reach, she could not help her own selfish desire to keep those she cared for alive. She had lost Skarde, she had lost Valhalla, and just as she'd begun to pick up the pieces of her that had been left scattered and blighted, she now faced the possibility that she may lose Zoticus, too.

Zoticus ,
He could see her words had got to her- the request for release of his cubs from her. It was bittersweet, he had to admit. Perhaps if he had thought of things clearer, had the time to consider all his options… he’d of ended up in the Cove. But, it was never to late to join her. He just wanted his family settled first, to heal the trauma of his cubs from being ripped from their home. Perhaps in due time, after paying his debt to Ulla, he could bring @Avaneira’s smile back.

But at his final request, she could not face him.

He gulped, ears flattening further upon his wounded face. Her words came, and he felt the sting of them. She too, had lost so much. The father of her own cubs… gone. Killed in the same way Zoticus wanted to do to Vermier. His jaws splayed open to speak, but words could not form. Instead, he attempted to scoot closer to her. Zoticus tried to press his side to her own, his head aiming to nudge gently against her cheek. He was dirty and bloody but he doubted she would care if some got on her, not in this moment. “Avaneira.” He spoke, gently trying to call her attention back to him. What could he say to her? That he wouldn’t die? He couldn’t make that promise. He would be walking into Wolfbron with the risk of losing his life… it was up to fate.

“I have to try. I’m sorry, I…” Could he explain it? Could he make her understand his ways, his wants? “You mean just as much to me as I to you, I love you as family, but I can’t let Vermier make a fool of me. I made a promise to him first…” A promise that he would keep.

Exhaling a large breath, Zoticus was at a loss. “If I survive, we will come to you. My family and I, and I will help ensure you do not lose anyone you love. “ But that was the most he could offer, because if he died then he would be nothing but a ghost, and what good could he do for her then?

He parted from her with a sorrowful gaze, a large breath leaving his lungs. "Please, don't be mad." He added as he begun to make his exit. These emotions were overwhelming for him, and with his wounds and all the recent events- Zoticus needed to be alone to think.

/exit/ (doing this so the fam isn't in limbo with ranks!)

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