it's a trust fall, baby ✦
<center><img src="/images/TWsign2.png" width="60%"><div style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;">This content might touch on topics that are sensitive or triggering for some readers. <b>Trigger Warning for mentions of Filicide, Suicide, & Panic Attacks. </b></div></center>
Alexander finds himself steeling his heart for the worst. Features do not let on the hurt each word she speaks inflicts on him. If it was so important, why didn't she ask him? He had never kept anything from her - and while yes he could have introduced her to his family sooner, she had not attempted to reach out to them, either. He, however, had met her Mother on multiple occasions. "I am not a liar. Perhaps I could have told you sooner, but it was not out of malice or malcontent that I did not." Isla continued on to explain that she was a simple woman.
It certainly did not seem it.
It was clear that his responsibilities as a leader, both of his family and his pride, was not allowing him to give her the amount of attention and priority she wanted. Confusion filtered briefly onto his face as she spoke about hidden things. He didn't understand what else she might be talking about. Finally, she spoke and revealed it - the truth of all of this. His blood ran cold, the expression on his face went from neutral to filled with dread.
Alexander could feel every nerve in his body begin to hum with the unmistakable instinct to leave. To protect himself. Who had told her...who? Lifemates. There was only one that could have. <i>Anthonius.</i> In that moment there was a searing rage that laced his veins. It consumed any hurt that had been there, it made his toes curl into the earth and his chest tightened, muscles growing taut.
"I can admit my fault in not involving you sooner with my family, but I have had many things going on outside of our relationship, Isla. I run a family, a pride, I have been assaulted on multiple fronts, as have my family. These others I laid with, it happened far before any of this conflict began." It took every bit of his patience not to yell. In fact, his voice was eerily calm, his features tense and those vibrant blue eyes of his staring at her with the intensity of a brewing storm.
"You have met one of my children, he was there when we spoke of alliances. His name is Karsa." And there was no denying the resemblance. The boy held traits unique to Alexander only, amongst their family. A paw lifts, raising it to run splayed toes through his thick mane, sweeping it back out of his face a bit more. Suddenly he felt suffocated by his mane, by everything. Tail sweeps behind him in a restless manner. He wasn't used to having to defend his lifestyle and his choices to someone he loved.
"I have not been going about sleeping with others while neglecting you. If I have time, I come and I see you - that is what I was able to do today. My wounds finally healed and my sister allowed me to leave without a fuss." He pauses, knowing - dreading the fact that he would have to explain this...lifemate thing. How he wished his family did not believe in such folly. After Cersei, after the humiliations with Nazonal. Alexander wanted nothing more to do with it.
"It is not important to me. Each Savante carries their own belief in lifemates. My brother is a fanatic. I am not. With every thirty Savante born, only one of those will maybe find their lifemate. Generations of us go without, it is a myth. A fairytale to tell young warriors to give them a reason to find love, to fight, to be more than the darkness that lingers in each of our hearts." He finally takes a deep, unsteady breath. Not once had Alexander deliberately kept her in the dark about anything.
Maybe once upon a time he had been a devout believer.
That part of him had died a long time ago.
Lifemates were not important to him, therefore he had not thought to mention them. Why would he, after everything? This wasn't deception. This wasn't lying. This was simply a lack of information. Isla had yet to ask him about any other religious part of his families beliefs aside from one instance, which he had gladly given her all the details she'd desired. Alexander was not forthcoming about his trauma, about the hurts he held locked away in his heart. In this moment, however, it felt as if his trauma, his feelings - they were insignificant.
"The last woman I told about lifemates, she demanded that I make her mine. I tried to explain to her that it was not a simple choice. It was not something I could make happen. She was adamant about being the my number one, you might say. It became an obsession, she wanted to be above all others that I loved." There was a panic in his chest rising, his anger giving way to pain as the memory of the situation came back to him. This is what she wanted, though, yes? For him to relive something that brought him immense distress.
"We had children, three precious boys. Only a few months old. She had taken them out on a walk and things had been...calm, so I did not suspect anything. Still, I think the Mother gave me a sign that day...so I followed them. I came upon her about to toss my son, Dragos, over the edge of a cliff. When she saw me, she stopped and put the three boys on a limb hanging off the cliff." Alexander shuddered, holding down the sick feeling in his throat that threatened to rise up.
Still, he continued. The memory grasping his mind like a choking vine. "It would not hold their weight for long. She screamed at me for not loving her enough, for not making her my lifemate. Saying that she would never be enough. I was told that if she could not be the one that had my worship, that she would rather die. As punishment, I did not deserve the children she bore me, so she would take them too. She had every intention of killing them and then herself. So I would have nothing." During this story, he had not looked away, not broke eye contact. Every feeling, every emotion - it was there on display.
"I was unable to save her. She moved to push the children off the branch and when I attempted to stop her, there was a struggle and she was pushed. Cersei fell to her death that day, and if I had not grabbed my sons in time, they would have as well. Only one of my son's is aware of what really happened that day. I could not bare to think they would remember their Mother in such a way. One of my son's despises me because he thinks his Mother abandoned them because I would not make her my lifemate." And there it was. The whole story, the whole damn story.
Would she fault him for keeping that from his son's as well? The thought was angry, but his blood felt like acid in his veins as the panic slowly began to die down. Breathing slowed, his chest rising and falling in an uneasy rhythm for a time before it evened out again.
Suddenly Alexander was unsure about all of this. And perhaps...perhaps that hurt the most of all. His love for Isla was real, but would she work with him through this or abandon him? He was tired of giving himself to women who claimed to care for him, but would not work through the hardest parts of what should be their relationship. Yet, he knew in his heart that if Isla wanted to be loved by a man who would dedicate his entire life to her - he would not blame her. Or stop her. She deserved whatever she wanted.
It did not make the feelings he felt mean less. His love was not <i>less</i>. Alexander was not an insecure man, he was not jealous - he did not chase after women who did not want him. Long ago he had learned to love himself enough to not torment himself with unnecessary feelings. It was why those he loved were free to love however many others they wished, they could share their lives.
Together.
The love he had to give was boundless. To infinity and beyond. It was not given easily, despite popular belief. Indulging in a lover was not something he liked doing, guilt always followed. He had a responsibility to uphold to his family and flings did not fulfill that. Upon arriving here, in these new lands, however...temptation had simply been too much.
He had given in, he had indulged - but he had also learned to focus on what was most important to him. His family, his children, his pride, his beliefs and of course, Isla. Blue eyes finally turn to look away, his expression unreadable for a long moment as his mind swarmed with thoughts, feelings, memories. "I love you, Isla, and I want to share my life with you." The words were said with a firm, baritone voice as his attention once more zeroed in on her.
What would her choice be?
Alexander finds himself steeling his heart for the worst. Features do not let on the hurt each word she speaks inflicts on him. If it was so important, why didn't she ask him? He had never kept anything from her - and while yes he could have introduced her to his family sooner, she had not attempted to reach out to them, either. He, however, had met her Mother on multiple occasions. "I am not a liar. Perhaps I could have told you sooner, but it was not out of malice or malcontent that I did not." Isla continued on to explain that she was a simple woman.
It certainly did not seem it.
It was clear that his responsibilities as a leader, both of his family and his pride, was not allowing him to give her the amount of attention and priority she wanted. Confusion filtered briefly onto his face as she spoke about hidden things. He didn't understand what else she might be talking about. Finally, she spoke and revealed it - the truth of all of this. His blood ran cold, the expression on his face went from neutral to filled with dread.
Alexander could feel every nerve in his body begin to hum with the unmistakable instinct to leave. To protect himself. Who had told her...who? Lifemates. There was only one that could have. <i>Anthonius.</i> In that moment there was a searing rage that laced his veins. It consumed any hurt that had been there, it made his toes curl into the earth and his chest tightened, muscles growing taut.
"I can admit my fault in not involving you sooner with my family, but I have had many things going on outside of our relationship, Isla. I run a family, a pride, I have been assaulted on multiple fronts, as have my family. These others I laid with, it happened far before any of this conflict began." It took every bit of his patience not to yell. In fact, his voice was eerily calm, his features tense and those vibrant blue eyes of his staring at her with the intensity of a brewing storm.
"You have met one of my children, he was there when we spoke of alliances. His name is Karsa." And there was no denying the resemblance. The boy held traits unique to Alexander only, amongst their family. A paw lifts, raising it to run splayed toes through his thick mane, sweeping it back out of his face a bit more. Suddenly he felt suffocated by his mane, by everything. Tail sweeps behind him in a restless manner. He wasn't used to having to defend his lifestyle and his choices to someone he loved.
"I have not been going about sleeping with others while neglecting you. If I have time, I come and I see you - that is what I was able to do today. My wounds finally healed and my sister allowed me to leave without a fuss." He pauses, knowing - dreading the fact that he would have to explain this...lifemate thing. How he wished his family did not believe in such folly. After Cersei, after the humiliations with Nazonal. Alexander wanted nothing more to do with it.
"It is not important to me. Each Savante carries their own belief in lifemates. My brother is a fanatic. I am not. With every thirty Savante born, only one of those will maybe find their lifemate. Generations of us go without, it is a myth. A fairytale to tell young warriors to give them a reason to find love, to fight, to be more than the darkness that lingers in each of our hearts." He finally takes a deep, unsteady breath. Not once had Alexander deliberately kept her in the dark about anything.
Maybe once upon a time he had been a devout believer.
That part of him had died a long time ago.
Lifemates were not important to him, therefore he had not thought to mention them. Why would he, after everything? This wasn't deception. This wasn't lying. This was simply a lack of information. Isla had yet to ask him about any other religious part of his families beliefs aside from one instance, which he had gladly given her all the details she'd desired. Alexander was not forthcoming about his trauma, about the hurts he held locked away in his heart. In this moment, however, it felt as if his trauma, his feelings - they were insignificant.
"The last woman I told about lifemates, she demanded that I make her mine. I tried to explain to her that it was not a simple choice. It was not something I could make happen. She was adamant about being the my number one, you might say. It became an obsession, she wanted to be above all others that I loved." There was a panic in his chest rising, his anger giving way to pain as the memory of the situation came back to him. This is what she wanted, though, yes? For him to relive something that brought him immense distress.
"We had children, three precious boys. Only a few months old. She had taken them out on a walk and things had been...calm, so I did not suspect anything. Still, I think the Mother gave me a sign that day...so I followed them. I came upon her about to toss my son, Dragos, over the edge of a cliff. When she saw me, she stopped and put the three boys on a limb hanging off the cliff." Alexander shuddered, holding down the sick feeling in his throat that threatened to rise up.
Still, he continued. The memory grasping his mind like a choking vine. "It would not hold their weight for long. She screamed at me for not loving her enough, for not making her my lifemate. Saying that she would never be enough. I was told that if she could not be the one that had my worship, that she would rather die. As punishment, I did not deserve the children she bore me, so she would take them too. She had every intention of killing them and then herself. So I would have nothing." During this story, he had not looked away, not broke eye contact. Every feeling, every emotion - it was there on display.
"I was unable to save her. She moved to push the children off the branch and when I attempted to stop her, there was a struggle and she was pushed. Cersei fell to her death that day, and if I had not grabbed my sons in time, they would have as well. Only one of my son's is aware of what really happened that day. I could not bare to think they would remember their Mother in such a way. One of my son's despises me because he thinks his Mother abandoned them because I would not make her my lifemate." And there it was. The whole story, the whole damn story.
Would she fault him for keeping that from his son's as well? The thought was angry, but his blood felt like acid in his veins as the panic slowly began to die down. Breathing slowed, his chest rising and falling in an uneasy rhythm for a time before it evened out again.
Suddenly Alexander was unsure about all of this. And perhaps...perhaps that hurt the most of all. His love for Isla was real, but would she work with him through this or abandon him? He was tired of giving himself to women who claimed to care for him, but would not work through the hardest parts of what should be their relationship. Yet, he knew in his heart that if Isla wanted to be loved by a man who would dedicate his entire life to her - he would not blame her. Or stop her. She deserved whatever she wanted.
It did not make the feelings he felt mean less. His love was not <i>less</i>. Alexander was not an insecure man, he was not jealous - he did not chase after women who did not want him. Long ago he had learned to love himself enough to not torment himself with unnecessary feelings. It was why those he loved were free to love however many others they wished, they could share their lives.
Together.
The love he had to give was boundless. To infinity and beyond. It was not given easily, despite popular belief. Indulging in a lover was not something he liked doing, guilt always followed. He had a responsibility to uphold to his family and flings did not fulfill that. Upon arriving here, in these new lands, however...temptation had simply been too much.
He had given in, he had indulged - but he had also learned to focus on what was most important to him. His family, his children, his pride, his beliefs and of course, Isla. Blue eyes finally turn to look away, his expression unreadable for a long moment as his mind swarmed with thoughts, feelings, memories. "I love you, Isla, and I want to share my life with you." The words were said with a firm, baritone voice as his attention once more zeroed in on her.
What would her choice be?
