there was that black wave. it lurked, always, ready to rise from the inky depths and drown her. it started with the tremble in her legs and the quickening of her breath and she closed her eyes. with every ounce of willpower she had the dark girl fought the rising panic, her mind flipping through all of the tools that had been given to her. steady breaths, letting her fears escape through her paws - none of it worked.

maybe if she had let lazarus beat her... maybe then she would have control over these emotions. maybe if she had given an eye..

@Bhaskar questions her and before asteria can answer @Sage gives him a retort. "had i claimed her i would have said so." claimed her? truthfully asteria had no idea what that meant, but she wondered if it alluded to the cage that bhaskar had warned her of, the way that prides would chain her to one place. but asteria shakes her head as the thought crossed her mind - saga had not claimed her.

how could she explain to her red coated friend that saga touched a part of her that had been dead, empty, since she had come here? how could she explain to him the deep need for a mother when she had not even admitted it to herself? how could she possibly tell him how it felt to have lost her mother and how much she wanted one? how could he understand that she was not okay without the affection of a parent and that it was everything to her?

asteria is a fish out of water, gaping for the rights words, and before she can find them nero's accusation hits her like a damned sledgehammer.

"is she your mother now?"

fushia eyes did not shy from his of red and she cannot stop the instinctual step forward she took. closer to him, overwhelmed by a need for him to understand - "i found her for you." didn't he see? didn't he see how much he meant to her, that she would do anything to see him happy. once upon a time they had promised each other that they would never leave eachother. he had broken that promise and she had still tried to do EVERYTHING right.

she had failed, clearly, as her world began to crumble around her. bhaskar was angry, saga was angry, nero was angry... and asteria felt like a boat cut loose and set to sea. the words that pass back and forth between the others reach her as if she is underwater and she wonders - when had the wave pulled her down?

all of a sudden there is chaos and her friend cowered on the ground and her heart broke. she should never have let him leave that mountain without her, she should have insisted that he stay with them or she should have followed. shame and guilt weigh heavy on her mind that she had stayed and had so much fun with her friend - how dare she when her other friend was suffering so much?

distantly she realizes that she is panicking, that seeing nero panic and begin to leave had caused her to hyperventilate. for the first time she was faced with the belief that if he left now she would never see him again. that thought is what lurched her forward, all the words around her insignificant compared to the possibility of losing him forever.

asteria had believed all along that he would come back. that she would find saga and fix this, fix him, and he would see that she was still worthy. he was her first friend, and while she was thankful for the others that she had she needed nero. "don't go nero. please don't go." she didn't think about any of the others but only hurried after her friend, keen to stop him in any way that she can.

before she can reach him there is a stranger, an unfamiliar face, and asteria ground to a halt. a friend? another of this group that she had joined but knew nothing about? it was not their fault, but she realized it had been stupid of her to think that it was a good idea. it was only because of nero... and now he was leaving her. again.

and then saga is there with promises and this is the only thing that gives her hope. this glimmer of what he deserved was the only thing that brought her any joy in that moment, her heart thudding painfully in her chest and her breathing still much faster than it should be. this was what this whole thing was for, and if nero accepted it she would be happy. if nero accepted saga she would give him his space, leave him forever if he wanted. she would find another mom (no matter how that thought stabbed at her to consider) or she would go without.

nero needed it more. nero needed it more. the words ran through her mind as she watched the sigrun seek to pull him in, to comfort him, and then she closed her eyes and finally pulled in a slow breath.

maybe it would all be okay. maybe it was all worth it.

her gaze slipped to bhaskar and she hoped she would not find hatred there, he hoped that he would somehow understand. and if he did not (because she knew how much he hated prides) she would find him one day and she would try to explain. asteria did not want to think that her words would have lost her more than one friend - how could one little cub do so much wrong?

all of a sudden she felt like an intruder, an imposter, and she took a step back. away from nero and saga, away from the stranger, away from bhasker. back in to the shadows provided by a nearby tree - she pressed against the bark and breathed to ground herself, fighting the sudden urge to flee.

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Bhaskar's burning gaze pierced into @Asteria's face, her response to his question was a simple head shake. Dull grey eyes flashed sharply towards @Saga as she spoke. "had i claimed her, i would have said so. i have no reason to hide it. there's nothing to fear from you." Was that meant to insult him? Contrary to what many may assume, he didn't want to be feared. His assumptions were simply reflections of his own personality. Being prepared for all possible outcomes was one of the many priorities Bhaskar had. "I'm not looking for you to fear me, Sigrun. I simply don't trust you." He growled back, the adrenaline rising steadily as it pulsates through his gargantuan body.

The grey pride-woman throws more accusations at him, at his failure to look after Asteria and Nero. A loud snarl rips from his throat, his lips peeling to reveal long fangs. "I'm sick of your baseless accusations!" His furious eyes sharply shifted towards the onyx girl - the one who had let loose this upon them. She cowered and hid. At the sight, there was no pity in his heart - only anger and disappointment. Had they not accepted her without question? Fed her, given her a place to sleep? And this is how she thanked them?

Whenever younger children had joined their band, they've always been met with support from all the gang members. All gang members had been healthy and well-fed, growing up together without a problem. It hurt his soul to hear these accusations thrown around from a woman, a mere stranger, that knew so little of their own struggles. Every member of his party, including Bhaskar himself, had joined at a tender age simply because nobody else would extend a hand. Adults had only sought to use them and dispose of them at the first chance. The tyranny had driven him away from his childhood home. "We all fend for ourselves, even if we do have food here. I'm certain you pride lions would've preferred I lock up Asteria and Nero and not let them go outside." But this is not who they are. "your lifestyle is ill-suited for cubs. that's been made clear." The blood rushed towards his brain, his heartbeat accelerating with every second. He spat on the ground. "Bullshit. Who are you to say what is ill-suited or not? You know nothing about us, about our lives. We've all grown up together, we've all made it out perfectly fine. Just because you have a rank and a stick up your ass doesn't make your lifestyle well-suited." His jaws clenched together as he attempted to calm the burning fire within him, attempting to remember why he had walked down the path of no violence. Why he must not give in to the urge to tear into the older woman. Breathe. Remember her. Remember why you left, what you swore.

The patchwork pelt of @Aries emerged from the jungle greenery, the boy's confusion quickly evident across his face. @Nero stuttered and scrambled away from Bhaskar's rage, back-peddling and sobbing in fear. "Hurt you? I'm asking you a question." To Bhaskar, the weak boy's reaction was strange. He failed to understand why Nero reacted that way. The peach man's rage was blurring the details with each passing moment, the presence of Aries only lightly mitigating that horrible emotion he wished to forget. "It's not their fault." The silver lioness repeated after Nero, "it's been mine from the start." Saga's threatening look was like fuel to the fire, his claws unsheathed into the ground, his muscles itched for action, screamed this painfully familiar call to move and do something.

His face twisted in an ugly snarl. "I'm sick of this, of you. If you've achieved what you wanted then get out, I want nothing to do with your self-righteous act." Blaming them was just an excuse to come and swoop his friends away. Why was he not surprised? This was a prevailing characteristic among those of her kind. It was about enforcing their authority. Nero and Asteria failed to understand that they are just pawns in the pride lion's game.

There's so much happening, so many voices throwing words both heated and dismayed; Aries can't make sense of it all, of any of it. @Nero backs into him, furrowed brows glancing down at the paler lion, his ears twisting forward. I haven't lived here in weeks. Oh. It seems that so much has happened in his absence, and now he has no idea what to make of it all. His mismatched gaze shifts towards @Bhaskar, who he has never seen look so angry -- in fact, he doesn't think he's seen the herculean man ever look angry at all. He is stern, stoic, steadfast, but never angry, never brewing, never snarling like he does now. Aries presses closer into Bhaskar's side; he is not afraid of the piebald titan. He trusts him implicitly, hoping that his steadfast presence will help to calm him in the storm. "We were all kids, too," he murmurs, addressing @Saga with a somewhat defeated tone. The way she accuses Bhaskar -- when he had saved Aries' life... he had saved so many of them. Protected them. Fed them. Guided them. Without Bhaskar and Ryuu, they wouldn't be alive, and yet, here stands the chimera woman blaming him for not doing enough for Nero. Hasn't he done enough for all of them? More than one could ever ask from anybody? "It suited us fine." A whisper, and one could consider the fact that it had suited them because they had no other choice. It's not like any of them had asked to be abandoned or otherwise caught up in a horrible situation; were they wrong to think Nero was like them? He shies back as Saga reaches for Nero, brows furrowing and his heart thrumming uncomfortably at the sight of her seeking to swaddle him in a hug. He feels a pang in his chest, a desire for something he's never had -- something he's never known. He can't place it, not exactly, but seeing the way Saga looks at Nero makes him ache. Is that what love looks like? Is that how a mother should look at a son? Aries wouldn't know. Most of his friends wouldn't, either. "You should go with her," he breathes to the albino teenager, and he doesn't quite know where the words come from, but he knows that they are right. Maybe, with Saga, Nero has a chance at something better, something more than what the rest of them have ever had. His whiskers quiver with his uncertainty and confusion; he had been a mere boy when Ryuu had found him -- barely old enough to keep up at only a few months old. Aries doesn't even remember his mother anymore; if he ever sees her again, he probably wouldn't be able to place her. She had been there one day, and vanished the next, and he had waited, for days he had waited, and she never came back. It was Ryuu, instead, who came for him -- cared for him, if in his own rugged ways. Aries had come to terms with his place in life a long time ago, and he is content with what he has, but he thinks -- if Nero could have something more, then why shouldn't he?

image by argent, code by koi

i'll never let you go
if you promise not to fade away

It was all happening too fast. He couldn't keep up and the cacophony of rising voices and tensions was suffocating to the albino teenager, who wanted nothing more than for everyone to just -- just stop. He wanted Saga and Asteria to go back from wherever the hell they had come, wanted @Bhaskar and @Aries to slink back off into the forest to lead their lives as they pleased. Nero respected the gargantuan man too much not to absolutely crumble beneath his judgmental gaze, but the trembling boy had bigger issues at hand. His attention fixated on @Saga as she spoke, extending the official invitation: go with her, become her son and allow her to fill the cavernous, jagged scars that being motherless had left etched in his heart. @Asteria squeaked that she had found the woman for him, her magenta eyes pleading for some sort of understanding. It was like drawing water from a stone, and he was far too terrified in that moment to formulate anything of a proper reply. Instead he opened his mouth, intent on speaking, and said nothing.

Fortunately, he didn't have to wait long for the silence to be filled by others. Angry voices. Bhaskar's fury was something he had not anticipated in the least, and he was doing all he could to disappear into thin air. Spoiler alert, he was no magician and could only feel Aries' legs barring him from a swift exit. Nero knew it would have been wise to sit around and try to figure things out, but he was panicked. Bhaskar was angry, Saga was angry, Asteria was begging him not to go -- it was all far too much for a child who had only come for.. well, not for any of this!

Cornered as he was against Aries, the teenager had properly backed himself between a rock and a hard place. It forced him to stand there and listen as Saga explained things, as Bhaskar bellowed in his anger, as tensions simmered to a dangerously high degree. If a fight broke out.. no, he couldn't think like that. He would simply collapse into dust if he had to witness a battle here and now, and so he closed his eyes and flattened his ears and prayed that everyone would just.. stop. It was only Asteria begging him not to go that made him peel back an eyelid. She was closer, having moved while he was wishing the world away. "Asty, I--" Nero wanted to reach out and close the distance between them and just.. he didn't know. He didn't know why she was still hammering away at the walls he had slammed between them; even after everything, she had gone to find him a mother? Why? The others were forgotten as he honed in on her, his rosé eyes searching her for some kind of answer.

What he got instead was Saga moving towards him, purpose in her stride. Nero had never been hugged before, and so when she moved to bring him close he merely froze in confusion. Was he being murdered right now? Was this murder? He didn't feel pain, but the concept of a hug eluded him. Something shifted in him as she pressed against him, however. The rigidity in his body began to slowly ebb away, a comfort he had not known in quite some time flooding throughout him. His thoughts went to Jewel and how he had sobbed against her as she held him in a similar fashion, cooing and crooning until he was pacified. It caught him by surprise how quickly he eased against her, burying his now tear-stained cheeks against her chest as he moved to press further against her. Nero became greedy with her embrace and wanted more, his thin frame heaving with quiet sobs. "You.. you still want me?" he asked softly, struggling to maintain composure. He didn't need to turn into a blubbering idiot in front of everyone -- particularly not Asteria.

Asteria.

His eyes searched for her, but she was gone. No, not gone, but in the shadows against a tree. Nero blinked, glancing up to Saga with affection before gently shrugging off her embrace. It was the hardest thing he had ever done, to be quite honest. To release himself from the hug of a lifetime, to shed the weight of a woman who wanted him as her own. His breath hitched in his throat as he turned to Asteria, sweeping across the earth until he was right in front of her. Nero paused for a minute, uncertain, before moving in to nuzzle against her cheek. "Let's.. let's go home, Asty," he murmured, ears angling against his head as he moved to gingerly tug at her scruff. His intention was clear -- he wanted her to come with him, back to the Lagoon, and share with him the thrill of being wanted. Of being loved.

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image by bluey | coding by flea

@Bhaskar's words ring in her ears and she flattens them. baseless? she sees the evidence spread before her, like a feast to be consumed. touch-starved children, emaciated bodies and broken limbs. a lip peels further back from her yellowing fangs and she readies herself for the fight she feels is building. she would have launched herself at the gang's would-be leader for the look he pinned to @Asteria, but @Aries' words give her pause. "you're still children." she tells him plainly, her gaze remaining on his even as she wraps @Nero up in her neck and arms. he melts against her after a moment of stiffness and she lets her eyes close with a soft exhale. his words, whispered between the heaving sobs. "of course, elskan. always. always." and that is true - if she's done anything right in the last few months, it is this.

coming to find him. because, vellen be damned, she should have taken him from the start.

aries says he should go and her eyes rise to find his once more, thoughtful. cautious. the stricken look on her face gives her pause and she wonders, distantly, if any of these children knew what love was. if their group was enough. bhaskar demands they take their leave, claiming her act to be a self righteous one, and she wars between anger and pity - finally landing, instead, on that severe and cold expression that comes so naturally to her face.

she says nothing but watches him with her hawkish gaze while nero gently untangles himself from her arms, making his way carefully to asteria and take her by the scruff. the shadowy little girl is curled against the trunk of a tree and, wordlessly, saga moves to the two children's side. while they get themselves together she puts herself bodily between bhaskar and they, making a point without acknowledging him.

because she knows if she gives him another ounce of attention, they'll end up shredding the fur and flesh from one another's bones. "let's," she agrees with the albino teenager firmly, before doing her best to usher them from the jungle and back to the lagoon where she can take a long nap.

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there was a deep ache in her heart. the words that had been shared had been angry and fierce and she knew, somehow, that she was to blame. this was her fault, all of this, and she realized that @Bhaskar would likely never forgive her.

if she had just stayed in the jungle, stayed close to the rest living here, she would not have been so hungry. if she had bothered to learn about the food cache's she would not have gone and eaten bugs. if she had stayed near bhaskar and aries and the rest she would have been safe, and nero would not have gotten hurt, and she would have not caused so much hurt.

each thump of her heart was painful and she found that she could not look at any of them. her tail tucked between her legs even as she rose, listless, at nero's pull. asteria could not pull her gaze from the ground, could not lift her shoulders in any semblance of pride (even if she had managed to help nero in all of this). guilt and shame weighed heavy on the young cub.

but as they walked away she peeked back between @Saga 's legs and looked to bhaskar. the smallest whisper spilled from her lips and in it's wake she would turn and leave, feeling very much like she was leaving a piece of herself behind.

"i'm sorry.."

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