Damn him, talking about Nazonal's friend like that. Their friend deserved his happy, and if she could split Nero's soul in two and beat up the half that thought he didn't she would. Of course he was deserving of joy and delight, if the damn world would give him a break. They wished they had fought harder to be with him, never fucked it up in the first place... This all wouldn't have happened. There is one meant for you Nero. Of that she sounded certain and they went from comforting hug to pushing lightly into his neck with their forehead. Trying to hammer in the point but ending up making their jaw ache. They grumbled and pulled back, flexing and moving their jaw around in weird ways to shake the muscles loose.

It's not a happily ever after for me until you have yours. Nazonal had love, had joy, had souls around her that they cared so deeply for they'd die for them. If they suffered so did Naz. Especially with Nero. They had no joy seeing the world kick him repeatedly, they felt a growing impending and overwhelming sense that they could have stopped this if only if only. I still love you remember? That hasn't changed. Part of me shares your pain. A pain that dwarfed the ache in their jaw or hunger pangs in their gut.

N ❣ N

❝

Things would have been easier if they'd been able to focus on Nazonal and revenge instead of how, once again, Nero's life was in shambles. It wasn't Nazonal's fault that things had spiraled out of control, but he couldn't help but feel the tiny daggers she shoved into him as she told him there was someone out there for him and that she loved him in the same breath. He could only assume her love was a friendly type nowadays, if that. "There is," he muttered softly. "But I fucked it up so badly and chased them straight into the arms of someone else." And Sparrow would keep Nazonal happy and Sparrow would be the light in the darkness Nero was never destined to be for them – or anyone. He shrugged, trying to brush it off casually. He'd fucked up and he was paying the price, that was simply all there was to it. "But I guess I'd do it again to make sure you're happy." He shrugged again. As long as Nazonal was happy..

Nero didn't know how to take the love comment. He didn't know if they meant they'd still want to be with him romantically if things were different or they were just being kind, but it hurt his heart to hear it. "It's okay, Naz. It'll be fine." And he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince anymore. He tried to smile. See?

❞

Nazonal knows he's talking about her. Unless they were so grossly out of touch with his life that there was a third love that had entered the picture. They doubted it, they wanted him to be talking about her. They whimper softly and turn to see if he'd allow her to rest her cheek against his while she whispered a response. I fucked it up too. It's a weird mix of regret, not wanting to see Nero hurting, wishing and hoping and imaging a life with him making love on the beach and running amongst the jungle. And the rest of it wouldn't want it to have happened differently, would she have fallen in love with Sparrow if it had? All those nights under the moon? Entwined and entangled in a deep web of vine and life. You wouldn't have your kids though, if it had woked out then. It's a life they're living they love equally as much as the one that lives in her mind with Nero.

I told Sparrow I still love you, that I don't want to stop loving you. I love her, I love you. Naz herself isn't sure anymore what this weird, increidbly intense, feeling was. It changed day to day, moment to moment. Always love, always. But drifting and shifting with the wild ride he always seemed to take her on. He hadn't done that good of a job of entirely chasing them away. Her heart had only grown larger for having met Sparrow, that love did not replace Nero's. And it's ok, I'm right here. You haven't chased me away. It was fucking complicated and messy but not a bit of them wanted to run away and find the easy, clean, part of life. Even if for his sake it would be better for Naz to be gone entirely... For awhile it felt like the door between us was closed. Is it?

N ❣ N

❝

He felt shitty, but it was impossible for him not to feel shitty regardless of what he did. Nero's default state of being was shitty, and watching Naz struggle with her broken jaw to comfort him made everything far worse. He should have been doting on her, not the other way around, and it was just another reason he was glad someone was able to make her happy. Someone good, someone better. He relaxed into their touch, trying to ease himself gently against her cheek. "We fucked it up, then." But realistically, Nazonal hadn't. It had all been on Nero, but he was willing to share the blame for the sake of saving face.

They mentioned he wouldn't have his cubs, but Nero sighed. "I wouldn't have kids who have missed out on having a mother for four months. It would be a mercy to them at this point to have not been brought into this world. I know how hard it is not to have a mother." And as much as he loved his cubs, he was not their mother and could not fill the void her absence left behind.

"But we may have had cubs," he continued, looking down at his toes as he flexed them anxiously. "A family. Together." Nero chewed on the inside of his cheek, only lifting his eyes when Nazonal reiterated that she loved him – and Sparrow. Polyamory. Had he opened her up to that idea? If it had just been him from the beginning, would it have stayed just him or was this always destined to be their fate?

He blinked up at her when she asked if the door was closed. Nero paused, considering. Stricken with grief at having lost Ghyslaine, exhausted to the bone from the horrible ups and downs of his life and shouldering her disappearance all on his own, the man shook his head. "No, I don't think it is." He watched them, his heart pounding in his ears. "I don't want it to be."

❞

It felt better sharing the weight of what happened. Almost like, it being equal means it didn't exist. At least there was no more shouting, no more blame or anger. But it had happened, Nazonal let out a deep sigh and nodded. Together they'd fucked it up. What a pair. "And I know how marvelous it is to have an amazing father. And you are one. Every bit that Gawain was for me. He'd be proud of you too." It could be said of Naz that it'd have been a mercy for them to never have been brought into this world either. It's not as if they were created out of love, and there was a time parents weren't even a guarantee for them. And then she met Gawain, and eventually Elijah. Nero couldn't the the place of their mother but surely he could be every bit the best damn father for them? He'd have to be...

It would have been easy if everything just worked out with us eh? Or would fate have found new strings to pull and twists to throw their way? Maybe they would of had kids by now, would the band exist? It was easy to imagine her alternative life with Nero but hard to see the world around it. Or maybe we'd have really fucked it up in the end anyways, but too badly or too far along to repair it. Thinking she'd lost his friendship had been as painful as them failing him and his trust. It was a silver lining to Naz she did not have cubs between them right now to consider.

Me neither. That's all we need to know right now. It was definitely not the place or time to drive deeper. Hold onto that for now Nero. At least Nazonal was immensely uncomfortable thinking beyond the opportunity while his wife's fate was unknown. Did gone mean dead gone or missing gone? And it was far too late to ask for clarification. Especially when Nazonal did not think the answer would change what they did in the immediate. If the chance or through of possibility got him through the next day, and the next, each one without Ghyslaine then so be it.

They pulled slightly away from him and leaned their jaw down against their forelimb, feeling an ache growing that didn't want to leave. Deep in the bone the healing fracture protested this much use, sapping into her strength and leaving her slightly teary eyed from the persistent and now growing pain.

N ❣ N

❝

Nero frowned to himself as Nazonal's words washed over him. Yeah, yeah, she was right and all, but there was no getting back the time they had lost with their mother - if she ever came back to them. There was a chance he would be their only parent forever and the thought made him nauseous on their behalf. Nero wouldn't let them down, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to make mistakes and be imperfect along the way. The mention of Gawain had him glancing at his ass which, normally, would have been out of place; but Nero simply stared at the shark bite scar as he remembered the older man. Outside of Alabaster, he had been the closest thing he'd ever had to a father.. and for some reason, he doubted very much the man would appreciate all the grief he'd caused Nazonal.

"We were so close.." he mumbled to himself, ears flattening against his head. They had been so close to being happy until he'd gone and wrecked things beyond repair. Hearing Nazonal admit the two of them could have fucked things up even worse made him tense as Nero felt his head begin to pound. Ugh. It was all too much. "Yeah, maybe." Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't have. "Or maybe we'd be super happy. We'll never know, I guess." At least not about the past.

Feeling them pull away was hard if not for how much he longed for the touch of someone who cared. He didn't resist, however, and let her take the space she needed. Nero felt hollow at their suggestion to hang on. He felt like hanging on was all he ever fucking did nowadays and there was no reward at the end of it all, usually. How long was he supposed to hold on for? What was he supposed to hold on to? The promise of maybe?

He noted the pain they were in and frowned. "Can I get you anything?"

❞

We were. It's somber, their voice. A tone kin to mourning. They hadn't lost everything between them but there was an undeniable weight growing in their gut. Wondering what might have been and lamenting that. Time. They'd lost time. And as much as their warm optimistic heart wanted to believe this was how it was meant to be, that it was for the best, that light faded some. No, we can't change any of it. They agree with a sigh and inward promise to make the future between them better. To somehow make it all worthwhile, not just in the "I found Sparrow way" but truly to work and make the pair of them better.

That wave of pain fades a little and Naz softly whimpers, rubbing at their face with the back of their paw. As if she could rub away the discomfort plaguing them and ruining the moment. Actually, could you help me get some food? I can barely eat let alone hunt.

N ❣ N

❝

Nero didn't know how he was supposed to feel now. It was hard for him to come to terms with the fact she still loved him and yet didn't seem to want anything to happen around it – not yet, anyway. And maybe that made her a far better soul than he ever would be and maybe she had the ability to see beyond his grief, but he felt.. teased, in a way. Maybe it was his just desserts for thinking he could have his cake and eat it too, but he was fucking lonely. He was fucking lonely and he wanted to cuddle with someone and feel loved and whole again. Nazonal had Sparrow now, though, and he knew that meant he'd never feel whole with Naz again. It wasn't their fault but that didn't mean he couldn't be upset about it.

"Yeah, hang tight." He'd been originally hunting anyway, so he didn't see much of an issue to keep going.

lazy poe time skip

He hadn't returned with anything grandiose, but it was food. A mountain hare that he'd snatched from between some rocks; he thought maybe it was small enough that they'd be able to eat it more comfortably. Nero returned and settled down but didn't immediately hand it over, instead taking the time to break off small pieces and offer them one by one as he plucked the meat from the rabbit. Nazonal didn't have to ask him to do it, he just knew it's what his friend needed at that moment. Patience and help.

❞

It was settling in that Nazonal couldn't right everything wrong. Not now, maybe not ever. For all that she wanted too there was little to be done that wouldn't fracture things with Sparrow and betray all of the trust the leopardess had in Naz. It wouldn't be done without fracturing some of Nazonal too, breaking another promise, hurting someone they loved. Hold onto it. They think for themselves, feeling the tangled strangling of the web. Of morality. Of wants and needs. Just hold on.

time skip

Nazonal did not need much. The rabbit seemed like a feast compared to the bird scraps she was trying to eat before. It was fresh and the scent of it was maddening. They, with some effort, licked at their lips and mustered up every ounce of patience they had to let him settle in and break that first piece off. Carefully they open their jaw and then snatch at it, quickly taking it into her jaws and down her gullet. With Nero's help Nazonal barely had to chew to make the pieces manageable, all of the worst pains of eating spared thanks to him. You're the fucking best.

N ❣ N

❝

It was harder when things were silent, especially when he could feel her eyes on him. Yeah, okay, maybe Nazonal was staring at the food more than anything else, but it made his cheeks flush and his thoughts go to a dark place and memories pop up that made him tear off the next piece just a bit harder. What an idiot he had been. He could have been with Nazonal and defended them from the fight. They were wrong when it came to Gawain; there was no way he would have been proud of the sorry sack Nero had grown into. Maybe he wouldn't have been surprised, but he certainly wouldn't have been proud.

He chuckled at Nazonal's compliment. "Well shit, s'probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." It was partly a joke, but thinking back made him wonder how accurate it was. Eh, it didn't particularly matter. Nero glanced at the lion, studying their face and trying to add the new scars to his memory of them. He couldn't help but smile to himself at her teeth, always finding it an adorable trait even now. It reminded him of how he had told her goodbye the last time and meant it, but there they were. Life was strange.

❞